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I'm not too much of a weenie to give presents by myself.

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"Merry Anti-Capitalist X-Mas From Uncle Hart & Uncle JJ

(Contents Under Pressure, Do Not Shake)"

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Would you really want to be part of Anti-Capitalist Christmas?

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Hell, I'll try anything once.

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Well, maybe I'll just have to hold you to that.

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By all means.

What do you people do, anyway?
I mean what's on the approved list of socialist holiday fun?

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Things like giving toys to children who wouldn't have them otherwise.

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So pretty much the same stuff you do the rest of the year?
You're gonna make Saint Nick look like a slacker, pal.

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Well, he should step up his game then.

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He should! Plus he owes me a whole childhood's worth of back presents.

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You were on the naughty list? I'm shocked.

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OMG I WAS AN ANGEL :(

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Angel is one of the last words I'd ever associate with you.

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Maybe I'm overcompensating for a terrible childhood, Pipey.
Maybe I'm just acting out for attention.
Maybe love really IS all I need.

And also material wealth.

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Yeah, angels don't need material wealth.

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0:'(
I'm gonna come over there and whack you with a harp, dick.

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Oh, yeah, I'm sure you're really hurt.

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Okay, BUCKLE UP, because I'm about to drop some Christmas tragedy right on your pretty little ginger head.

Papa Jesse always said Santa Claus couldn't stop by our place because we didn't have a chimney, right?
Can't really start a roaring fire in a circus train, you know.
Well, you can, but it's a very bad idea if you're into not barbecuing yourself.
Anyway, as I later found out, Santa totally does visit most un-chimneyed kids, and pop was just a cheapskate, on top of all his other charming personality defects.

BTW I hope you're picturing small me as the pure-hearted innocent hero of a Charles Dickens novel in this fantasy sequence I'm sure you're having.

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Oh geez.

Well, it's a little late to make up for lost time there, huh...

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You say that like I don't still want a racecar.

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Well, who's gonna be Santa?

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Well, you already know where I live...

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We already know a guy in a red suit, and you say me?

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Well, you get Barry willing to bring me free stuff, and I'll reconsider!

... Anyway, now that I think about it, red would probably look terrible with your hair.
You'd make a kickass elf though.

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Is it even possible to be "a kickass elf?"