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Because my joke gifts are hilarious!

Let's see. Ripley, for sure. Barry. Bart. Wally. Probably that nerd with the hair. Maybe the Shade? Ramir's my boss now so I should probably get her something. Harley if she doesn't figure out I did that one thing and kill me before Christmas. That guy who tried to file a missing persons report with me and then I offered to make him pancakes, maybe, he's hilarious.

Oh, and you, if you've been good.

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"If I've been good?"

I was just wondering because I was trying to decide if it'd be too weird for me to get a present for Wally. And Bart and Barry, too.

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It's not weird. Why would it be weird?

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I don't really know any of them very well...not these versions of them, anyway.

[But he wants them to LIKE HIM!!! And he's attached the Bart and Wally he knows, so.]

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So what? Do it anyway! Do any of them seem like the type to go, "oh no, free presents"?

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....Yeah, I guess not. That much hasn't changed between universes.

Except with Barry.

[Can you even imagine.]

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Except with Barry.

Do you want me to co-gift with you, you weenie?

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I'm not too much of a weenie to give presents by myself.

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"Merry Anti-Capitalist X-Mas From Uncle Hart & Uncle JJ

(Contents Under Pressure, Do Not Shake)"

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Would you really want to be part of Anti-Capitalist Christmas?

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Hell, I'll try anything once.

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Well, maybe I'll just have to hold you to that.

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By all means.

What do you people do, anyway?
I mean what's on the approved list of socialist holiday fun?

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Things like giving toys to children who wouldn't have them otherwise.

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So pretty much the same stuff you do the rest of the year?
You're gonna make Saint Nick look like a slacker, pal.

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Well, he should step up his game then.

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He should! Plus he owes me a whole childhood's worth of back presents.

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You were on the naughty list? I'm shocked.

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OMG I WAS AN ANGEL :(

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Angel is one of the last words I'd ever associate with you.

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Maybe I'm overcompensating for a terrible childhood, Pipey.
Maybe I'm just acting out for attention.
Maybe love really IS all I need.

And also material wealth.

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Yeah, angels don't need material wealth.

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0:'(
I'm gonna come over there and whack you with a harp, dick.

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Oh, yeah, I'm sure you're really hurt.

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Okay, BUCKLE UP, because I'm about to drop some Christmas tragedy right on your pretty little ginger head.

Papa Jesse always said Santa Claus couldn't stop by our place because we didn't have a chimney, right?
Can't really start a roaring fire in a circus train, you know.
Well, you can, but it's a very bad idea if you're into not barbecuing yourself.
Anyway, as I later found out, Santa totally does visit most un-chimneyed kids, and pop was just a cheapskate, on top of all his other charming personality defects.

BTW I hope you're picturing small me as the pure-hearted innocent hero of a Charles Dickens novel in this fantasy sequence I'm sure you're having.