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I...[Hmmm. This sucks in so many ways. He sighs.] This wasn't a good night for this.

And not because I have important rats to talk to.

[He always does, but.]

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[ This is getting depressing, and he hates being depressed more than almost anything. He'd rather be pissed off, but he can't maintain the level of energy that takes right now when he just feels like he's being the jerk here. Somehow. ]

Piper. Hey. ... Look at me for a second.

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[Piper's also really tired of this and that probably shows on his face.]

What?

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[ Look at him, he's going to be the bigger person. Or at least a big-ish person. Whatever.

He very carefully slides Piper's glasses back onto his face, and pushes them up his nose with his index finger. ]

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[Oh wow. DEEP BREATH.

Just getting a Gay Feeling here, no big deal.]

Oh. Uh...thanks.

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[ Yeah, well, likewise, so suck it up. ]

I'm sorry for distracting you from your important rats.

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[Giving his shoulder a shove.]

You know it's not like that.

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What, got a hot date or somethin'?

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This is the closest thing to a hot date in my life right now, James.

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[ That honest to god gets a double take out of him. His eyes go wide and he balks for a second, but then— ]

—ha! Oh, man, that's sad.

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[Yeah, he definitely saw that.]

Ha, yeah, isn't it? And it's been that way for awhile, too.

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Yeah, because you have negative game.

[ SHOULDER. PAT. ]

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Ouch. Come on now, to be fair there was a pretty long stretch of time where I wasn't really trying.

[Is that implying that he's trying now? Well...]

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So what's your excuse now?

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[He shrugs.]

Don't know. But come on, you have to admit that back in the day Fury was attractive.

[PERFECT TIME TO BRING UP YOUR EVIL EX-BOYFRIEND.]

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[ GODDAMMIT. ]

I don't have to admit anything! That guy was a dick!

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[Wrinkling his nose a little.]

Yeah, not gonna deny that part. But that has nothing to do with what he looked like.

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Yeah, okay, fine, you totally scored a hottie "back in the day." [ Fingerquotes. ] Somehow. Did the polka dots and the pixie boots do it for him? Was that it?

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[Oh, he just had to go there...]

Or maybe I just had game.

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[ This is the worst because he can't even argue it. And Piper's probably had way more actual relationships than him (because he's had more than one) and gotten laid way more (see previous parenthetical) and he is really frustratingly jealous, but from two angles, which is twice as annoying. ]

Yeah, okay, you know what? I retract my statement. If you can land a nine point five while dressed like that, you probably could've done just about anything.

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That was a little backhanded, but I'll take it.

[It's okay James most of his love interests apparently lasted for all of one date because DC is allergic to showing a gay man in a relationship.]

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[ Well, Surprise Teen Dad Club thinks you're doing fine. ]

All my best compliments are backhanded.

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More like "almost all of your compliments are backhanded."

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Puh-lease. What's the nicest thing you've ever said about me, huh?

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I don't know. We've known each other a long time, that's a lot of conversations to remember.